“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
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thank god
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Wake me when AI does housework
Going into Monday like
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
This headline is a thing of beauty