“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
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Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.