Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
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ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Meeeee too!
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.