I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
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I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep