My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
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Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?