If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
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the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
May never get over this
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If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
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