If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
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How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.