If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
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I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
her: you were really loud
me: *putting down my trombone* yep
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and
I’m already out.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
thanks auntie mary
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.