Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
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SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
🤣could you imagine
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
i could never be president. im overqualified.