A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
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How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves