Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
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What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
HERE’S MARKY
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
I falcon love using swear birds
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself