My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
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Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?