I can’t deal with men any longer
You Might Also Like
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!