if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
You Might Also Like
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.