*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
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You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Only a mother’s love …
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.