Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
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The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
I would move hell over six inches for you
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW