Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
You Might Also Like
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Is this a threat?
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you