I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
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i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.