Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.

dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you

me: *immediately tases myself*

Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.

[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]

“Oh peas no!”

[WHAP]

“Why u bean like this?”

[SMACK]

“Don’t u carrot all?”

[CRACK]

DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream

Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.

Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.

[next day]

Boss [looking at me]: why are you here

Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.

Lesson learned

cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me

The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.

This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”

If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths

[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that

interview tip #86

be honest when asked about yourself

[later]

interviewer: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.

I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.

Go Soccers!

accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening

*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’

The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.

Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.

Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.

I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.

If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.

Meanwhile in Heaven…

Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna

peter: ok let’s get you home

I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.

[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?

You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.

My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”