Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
You Might Also Like
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Hmm, not sure about this change
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
These aliens are taking forever.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.