my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
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meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”