Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
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Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Miscakes
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?