Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
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if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.