Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
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[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.