I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
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“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme