a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
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Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.