Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
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This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.