It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
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[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
real
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING