Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
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You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
This kid is a star!
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Finally!
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me