One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
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Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Big Sex has us all fooled
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
mom had nothing to worry about
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.