Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
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Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
can you read it!!??
maan!
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
can’t talk my ride’s here
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.