Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
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Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.