Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
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[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
584.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Every damn time
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead