I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
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[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
happy friday
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.