me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
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doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.