Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
You Might Also Like
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states