her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
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“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.