Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
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gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.