People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
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[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
This will teach them to underestimate me
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Big Sex has us all fooled
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO