*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
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Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”