ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
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I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case