DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
You Might Also Like
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”