Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
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If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.