Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
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How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
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“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.