her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
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DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me