ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
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my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
knights of the ikea table
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pok茅mon collection?
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn鈥檛 eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
HER: let鈥檚 be open about how we really feel. I鈥檒l go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don鈥檛 want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn鈥檛, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Hell yeah 馃憤
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Wife: I鈥檒l bet you $100 you can鈥檛 go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
doctor: the good news is you鈥檙e dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don鈥檛 like you
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans