ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
You Might Also Like
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.