The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
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I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
In banana years, I am bread.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*