“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
You Might Also Like
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.