Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
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I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.