When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
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THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.