Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
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Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
so i’m at the stock market right
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Flowers bee like
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.