Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. Iβm sorry ππππ
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Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me sheβs EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: ohβ¦no iβm just a terrible hot dog salesman
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasnβt u?
shaggy: ok iβm gonna go
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didnβt know where my mouth was.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
You had one job π€¦π»ββοΈ
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? Thatβs ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd thatβs how the fight started.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Day drinking poolside. Thereβs literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
βMOMMY WATCH THIS!β
i baked you a cake
snow whiteβs glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didnβt fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, youβre a fool
When people say βwhat do you want, a cookie?β Itβs like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.