When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
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“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Lmbo
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell